The Secret of Feeling Good
08/07/2007
Do you find yourself “”NOT”" feeling good sometimes?
Like most people you probably believe that the bad feelings result from factors beyond your control, like
your boss, your coworkers, and your job or project situation.
Here is the surprise for you!
Your feeling bad has very little to do with your boss, coworkers and your job; most of the time they are the result of your perception of the situation, and unfortunately your perception is filtered, distorted and generalized most of the time.
Yes, I understand you boss could be bad, your coworkers mean, and your job sucks! And there are legitimate times to be sad or upset. However, we need to be as realistic as possible about the situations around us.And make sure we are getting the negative feelings for the right reasons and not for made up ones by our imagination.
First read the following poem:
Paris in the
the spring.
A snake in the
the grass.
A kick in the
the rear.
Lewis and Pucelik (1982) present this in their explanation of the Meta model in NLP. Did you notice that you did not see the extra “the(s)” in each of these sentences?
This is a phenomenon called deletion; where the mind automatically filters out some information in order not to overwhelm your conscious mind. This is an important feature of the mind and necessary for our survival. However, sometimes it has negative consequences.
Deletion is the not the only process working on our perceptions. There is a process called generalization: like when we abstract a bigger and general picture based on a specific situation, and there are distortions like when you see a rope on the ground and for a second you think it is a snake.
The method I am about to share with you will give you more control over your mood and your life; it will help you increase your perception of reality. Very soon you will realize that you have more control over how you feel than you thought ever possible.
Here is a list of distortions and example of them from real life:
Deletions:
When you pick a negative incident or detail and you overlook everything that is positive.
Example of deletions:
You get high rating on all your job review items except one detail. You obsess about the negative detail and forget about the rest of the good review.
Generalization:
When you take one negative incident and you think it is a recurring theme in your life or you make it mean more than it should.
Example of generalization:
You experience one or two romantic rejections and you automatically label yourself as a loser or you start saying this “always” happen to me! Even though it happened once or twice.
Distortion:
When something happens in reality and you make it something else in your head.
Example of distortion:
A friend of yours borrows money from you and forgets to return the money to you. You start thinking that he is trying to rip you off, he is forgetting on purpose, and you think that once you ask him for the money back he or she will get hurt and get mad at you!
What really is happening here is that your friend borrowed money and you want the money back (that’s it), the rest is just a story you created in your head, because there is no way to know what your friend is thinking until you ask for the money back: (maybe he really did forget about it).
Jerry is a 29 year old MBA student at an excellent university. He is very accomplished, very motivated and very lively. One day during a coaching session he said that he is feeling like a “loser.” I was surprised and confused because I thought he is doing great!
Jerry said he got a C in his finance exam, and now he feels like a loser. The incident is affecting his confidence in his internship, and in the rest of his classes.
He is not sure now if he is a good fit for the MBA program he is in.
What do you think Jerry is doing?
Can you identify the distortions, generalizations, and deletions in his thinking (it is easy to see other peoples and harder to see our own).
You probable guessed it: Jerry got a C in his finance class and suddenly got focused on that and deleted the rest of his great accomplishments. He Over generalized his state and said he is a “loser”.
Then started distorting his reality and thinking he is not a good fit for the MBA program; even though he is getting "As" in all his other exams.
I had him write what he told me down on a piece of paper, and told him to underline and label each of his sentences with “deletion, generalization, or distortion”.
Once he was done he started laughing because suddenly his subconscious distortions, deletions, and generalizations became conscious and he could deal with them realistically.
You can do the same on your own. If you are bothered, upset or sad about something, all you have to do is write it down on a piece of paper just how you are saying it to yourself. And read it and underline and mark what you think is a deletion, generalization or distortion. (make sure you write it down, do not attempt to do it in your head!!!! this will make things worst!!!)
This by itself should work wonders and make you get a clearer picture of reality as it is. There are more techniques derived from NLP, Cognitive Therapy and Life Coaching to help you further and will be covered by future articles.
References Used For This Article
NLP: The New Technology of Achievement
